Grief work

di Livia Crozzoli Aite — a cura di Martina Fino

In this article, the author explores the cultural and symbolic shift surrounding death within our society. In the past, it was a transformative and socially shared event. Today, however, it is a silent event experienced in solitude.

The dimension of dying has been banished from our consciences and our homes. Currently, more than 70% of people die in hospital. Furthermore, death is rarely shared. Only with the recent palliative care law (No. 39/1999) and the activities of volunteer associations has Italy focused attention on this important phase of life.

The loss of a significant person brings with it enormous suffering, known as grief or mourning. In reality, these two terms, used synonymously in everyday language, have a particular nuance of meaning. Grief means "suffering of the heart" and aptly represents the metaphor of suffering both on a physical level, as a spasm of the heart. Furthermore, it also represents it on an emotional level, as a loving longing for the deceased.

Bereavement is a feeling that is experienced not only in the case of death, but every time we lose or have to let go of significant external and internal objects. Bereavement over a loss is distinguished by the finality and irretrievability of the loss. The term mourning refers both to the collective rituals belonging to one's own culture and to individual psychological reactions.

Grief is a universal experience, but it is lived in its own unique ways and at its own pace. However, the death of a loved one generates difficulties that shake us deeply, as if an earthquake had struck, followed by aftershocks.

We can talk about anticipatory mourning when we prepare ourselves for the loss by prefiguring it; while we talk about actual mourning after the death of a loved one. The process of mourning process it concerns not only the family members, but also and above all the dying person.

I bisogni, le paure e i desideri di un morente sono quelli di una persona viva, resi tuttavia più urgenti di fronte all’imminenza della morte. Spesso le fasi psicologiche e i tempi della famiglia e del morente non sono coincidenti.

The process of mourning outside of pathology must be considered as a “psychic work that begins, develops and concludes”.

How can the grieving process be supported?

It's important to explore the meaning of losing that figure for your life and the nature of your relationship. You need to look at the whole person, the positive and negative aspects.

The goal of grief resolution is to develop a new internal relationship with the deceased, a new form of love made of "absence plus acute presence." Through therapy, one can learn to recognize and contain one's suffering, without being trapped by them; one can learn to recognize fears, resources, and desires for the future.

When the focus shifts from the deceased to oneself, it means acceptance of the loss is occurring. However, the risks of unresolved grief, which can even develop into a psychiatric disorder, are well known. Furthermore, the variables that determine whether grief is normal or pathological are its duration (more than a year) and its intensity.

Il processo di elaborazione del lutto è un vero e proprio travaglio, così come lo definisce l’autrice. Infatti prevede un processo di accettazione e di separazione, proprio come avviene nel travaglio del parto. Il processo di unione, separazione e individuazione è il medesimo — un tema che Barrie Simmons approfondisce in Living and Separating. Tuttavia la situazione è ben diversa.

What is the meaning of mourning?

Death reminds us of our transience and forces us to make profound changes, reminding us of the importance of achieving a separate and distinct identity and recognizing the relational and affective component that we continue to experience in encounters with others.

In-depth analysis: for a more comprehensive discussion — what it means to process grief, why the five-stage model doesn't hold up, how long it lasts and when help is needed — see the article on mourning process.

Quando il lutto si blocca e non evolve, un accompagnamento aiuta: psychotherapy in Florence.