How couples therapy works

Couple therapy is a journey in which partners work together, in the presence of a therapist, on how their relationship functions. The difference compared to individual therapy is substantial: here the “patient” is neither of the two, it is what happens between them.

When it is useful

• Frequent conflicts that always start again from the same point
• Emotional distance, the feeling of having become roommates
• Communication difficulties: long silences, or arguments that never come to a close
• Crisis following a significant event: the birth of a child, relocation, bereavement, infidelity, illness
• A phase in which you are considering whether to continue or separate

How it works, step by step

The first sessions. These serve to gather both people's points of view. Each person has space to explain how they see the situation, without being interrupted and without the therapist taking sides.

Defining the goals. The focus is on what the couple wants to achieve, and whether the two goals are compatible is checked. Sometimes they are not, and realizing this is already a result.

The actual work. What happens in session is observed: how they speak to each other, who moves closer and who withdraws, which requests remain unspoken, at what exact point the discussion derails. The material doesn't come only from what is told, it comes from what happens right there, in front of the therapist.

The check-ins. At regular intervals, a review is made of what has changed and what has not.

What it is not

It is not a courtroom: no one decides who is right. It is not technical mediation on practical matters. And it is not a space where the therapist “convinces” one of the two to do something. If one of the partners takes part only to accompany the other, the process generally does not hold: both need to have their own question, even a small one.

The goal is not necessarily to stay together

It is worth stating this clearly. The purpose is to reach a more conscious choice, less driven by reaction or inertia. In many cases the process leads to rebuilding a more sustainable relationship. In others it helps two people separate in a less destructive way — something that matters enormously when there are children. Both outcomes are legitimate, and neither is a failure of the therapy.

When couple therapy is useless

It is worth saying, because no one ever does. There are situations in which this process does not work, and it is more useful to know it beforehand than to discover it after six months.

• When one of the two has already decided and uses therapy to be accompanied toward a choice already made, or to be able to say they tried everything.
• When there is violence, physical or psychological. In the presence of abuse dynamics, couple therapy is contraindicated: it puts the person who suffers it at risk and can be used against her. Separate paths are needed and, if you are in danger, the number 1522 or the 112.
• When a parallel relationship is ongoing and remains hidden. As long as there is an active secret, you are working on a distorted picture.
• When one of the two takes part only to please the other, without a question of their own.

In these cases, the first task is to clarify whether the conditions exist to begin. That is already a result.

“Couple therapy made us break up”

This is sometimes said, and it deserves an honest answer. Therapy doesn't separate anyone: it makes visible what was already there. Sometimes what emerges is that the two life projects have taken incompatible directions, and that separation is the healthiest choice for both.

When this happens, the process is still useful: it helps you separate with less wreckage, to distinguish pain from guilt, and — if there are children — to protect them from a conflict that would otherwise affect them for years. It is not a failure of therapy. It is an outcome.

When to start

The best time is not when the situation is desperate. It is when you notice you keep repeating the same argument without getting out of it. Starting earlier means still having resources to work with.

A journey in Florence or online

I receive clients at my office in Florence, at Via Tommaso Campanella 5, in the Campo di Marte – Coverciano area, and online. You can learn more on the dedicated page about couple therapy in Florence or contact me for an initial introductory session.