Emotional Dependency and Counter-Dependency: from Reckless Passions to Empty Indifference

by Massimo Borgioni, reflections by Dr. Martina Fino, psychologist and psychotherapist in Florence

The emotional dependency is a phenomenon that is difficult to define, but extremely present in contemporary clinical practice.
Every week I meet people who live intense, painful, and often contradictory relationships, where love turns into need, fear, or dependency.
The author, in this text, offers a valuable perspective on how to recognize and understand this dynamic, distinguishing it from other forms of behavioral or substance dependencies and from dependent personality disorder.

Emotional dependency can be seen as a relational rigidity, a pattern that repeats over time with a partner who takes on an equally rigid, complementary role.
The dependent person tends to oscillate between two opposite poles, clinging to the other or fleeing from them, without managing to find a healthy balance between autonomy and intimacy.

What is striking, in the various forms of emotional dependency, is precisely the difficulty of integrating the polarity dependency and independence.
As a psychotherapist, I often see how this polarity translates into relationships where one of the two partners constantly feels at the mercy of the other.
The book's subtitle, “from reckless passions to empty indifference”, well summarizes these nuances, the desperate search for the other or the flight from any meaningful bond.

Borgioni clearly describes the psychological roots of emotional dependency, linking it to experiences of insecure-ambivalent attachment..
In these cases, the child perceives the parents' physical presence but not their emotional stability.
This leads him to develop an unstable inner model, where love is always accompanied by fear, need, or uncertainty.

In adulthood, this pattern recurs in the form of difficult relationships, where idealization and disappointment alternate.
Those who live this experience have often learned, from a young age, to “read” love as something to be won, kept, or earned.
It is a form of insecure attachment, in which the fear of losing the other becomes stronger than the pleasure of feeling loved.

In my clinical experience, many people who live in a emotional dependency relationship were “adultified” children, little ones who took care of their own parents, taking on emotional responsibilities that were too big for their age.
The implicit message was:

“If you want me to love you, you must first take care of me and save me.”

This pattern leads to believing that in order to be loved, one must sacrifice oneself, denying one's own needs.
Psychotherapy, in these cases, becomes a space to learn to distinguish between authentic love and the need for approval, between caring and self-erasure.

The author offers a very interesting reading of the phenomenology of emotional dependency, identifying five fundamental dimensions:

The type of bond with the partner
The prevailing feeling that drives the relationship
The illusion on which the relationship is based
The underlying cognitive distortion
The recurring attitude over time

From these variables, four main modes emerge: passive-dependent, co-dependent, aggressive-dependent and counter-dependent.

In the passive-dependent, the bond is marked by a strong emotional dependence on the partner and the belief that there are no alternatives.
The prevailing feeling is the anguish of abandonment, and the person constantly lives in fear of being left.
The underlying illusion is a saving one:

“You will save me.”
The relational motto becomes:
“I love you because I need you.”
In psychotherapy, this scheme works by helping the person find security and value in themselves, outside of the relationship.

The co-dependent is instead based on the partner's need.
The bond becomes a mission:

“As long as the other needs me, they won't be able to leave me.”
Behind this attitude lies a deep fear: if the other heals or breaks free, the relationship could end.
The co-dependent's motto is:
“I love you because you need me.”
It is a form of love that confuses helping with control and often hides a need to feel indispensable.

The aggressive-dependent shows the opposite side, here dependency intertwines with anger, contempt and frustration.
The person stays in the bond despite the suffering, with the motto:

“I hate you because you're like me.”
These are relationships charged with tension, devaluation and pain, where the other becomes the scapegoat for one's own wounds.
Behind the anger, often, lies a great unrecognized need for love.

Finally, counter-dependency represents the other extreme of the polarity.
The counter-dependent avoids deep bonds, fears intimacy and often implicitly says:

“I don't love you and I don't need you.”
Behind the apparent autonomy lies the fear of rejection and shame for one's own emotional needs.
In therapy, this type of person often rediscovers the possibility of trusting, of asking, of accepting vulnerability as a healthy part of love.

Borgioni also explores the link between emotional dependency and drug addiction,and co-dependence in the helping professions..
These are very relevant reflections for anyone who, like me, works with the therapeutic relationship every day.
Helping does not mean saving, but accompanying.
And the risk of “losing oneself in the other” is real, even for those who make caring a profession.

The therapeutic treatment of emotional dependency, as the author explains, aims at developingempowerment, learning to recognize one's own needs, regulate emotions, and find a balance between self and other.
As part of a person-centered psychotherapy, the key is to regain the capacity for self-regulation and authenticity, in order to return to loving in a free and conscious way.

I found this text to be a stimulating and useful read, a true "map" to understand the complexity of dependent relationship.
Recognizing one's own relational pattern is the first step toward inner freedom.
Only through awareness and inner work is it possible to transform dependency into an experience of growth, autonomy, and authentic love.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What is emotional dependency?

Emotional dependency is a relational condition in which a person experiences a romantic bond as if it were indispensable to their own emotional survival. It manifests through fear of abandonment, a constant need for reassurance, and loss of autonomy. In psychotherapy, it is addressed as a form of insecure attachment, helping the person regain balance and inner security.

2. What is the difference between dependency and counter-dependency?

Emotional dependency drives the person to continually seek the other, while counter-dependency leads them to avoid the other. In both cases, there is difficulty experiencing intimacy in a free and authentic way. Psychotherapy helps integrate these polarities, developing the ability to love without erasing oneself or shutting down.

3. Where does emotional dependency come from?

The roots are often found in childhood, in experiences of insecure attachment with unstable or largely absent parental figures. The child learns that in order to be loved, they must adapt or take care of others. This pattern is then repeated in adult relationships, generating dysfunctional bonds and emotional suffering.

4. How can you get out of an emotionally dependent relationship?

The first step is recognizing that you are trapped in a dysfunctional bond. Psychotherapy allows you to explore your fears, strengthen self-esteem, and learn to build relationships based on reciprocity rather than need. Overcoming emotional dependency requires time, awareness, and a guided path of personal growth.

5. What role does psychotherapy play in emotional dependency?

Psychotherapy helps understand the origins of one's own way of loving and interrupt repetitive relational patterns. Through a person-centered approach, the person learns to recognize their own needs, regulate emotions, and regain a balance between closeness and independence. The goal is to foster empowerment and emotional freedom.

6. Is it possible to love without depending?

Yes, but only when love arises from a secure inner foundation. Loving without depending means sharing, not completing oneself; accepting vulnerability, not being subjected to it. Therapy can support this process of emotional maturity, helping to build authentic and healthy relationships.

7. Is counter-dependency a form of strength or a defense?

Counter-dependency can look like strength, but it is often a defense against the pain of rejection or loss. Those who avoid deep bonds are not necessarily independent, but fear suffering. The therapeutic process aims to recognize this defense and transform it into a real capacity to be in a relationship with trust.

Emotional dependency and counter-dependency