There's a question that almost everyone has asked themselves at least once, faced with a relationship that's going well or one that has just ended: does the right person for me really exist, somewhere out there? The idea of the soulmate is one of the oldest and most romantic ideas we have about love. But according to couple psychology, it's also one of the ideas that can do the most damage to a real relationship if taken too literally.
Where Does the Idea of the Soulmate Come From
The myth has a very ancient origin: in the Symposium by Plato, one of the characters recounts that human beings were originally double, with four arms and four legs, until the gods split them into two separate halves — from this, it is said, comes the desperate search for one's missing other half. It is a philosophical tale, not a scientific theory, but its image — a single person in the world made just for us — has remained at the center of Western romantic imagination for over two thousand years.
What Psychology Says: Destiny or Construction?
Social psychology research distinguishes two very different ways of thinking about relationships, called implicit theories of relationships. Those with a strong belief in destiny thinks a couple is either "meant to be" or not, and that compatibility reveals itself right from the start. Those with a strong belief in growth thinks relationships are built over time, through mutual commitment, regardless of how perfect they seemed at the start.
Studies comparing these two orientations show an interesting finding: those who strongly believe in destiny tend to interpret early difficulties or incompatibilities as signs that "this wasn't the right one," more easily abandoning relationships that could have worked with a bit of effort. Those who believe in growth, faced with the same difficulties, tend instead to interpret them as normal obstacles to overcome together.
The Risk of Believing Too Much in the Soulmate
Believing there's only one perfect person for us raises the bar enormously for every real relationship, which by definition has good moments and difficult ones. This mechanism often intertwines with the halo effect: in the early stages of a relationship, one or two particularly striking qualities can make a person seem "perfect" who, once known better, turns out to be normal and imperfect like everyone else — an initial intensity that has a lot in common with limerence, the obsessive infatuation that feeds more on uncertainty and idealization than on real knowledge of the other person.
The Science of Compatibility: It Matters Less Than You Think
Research on couple compatibility also offers a finding that puts the soulmate myth into perspective: a large analysis of studies on dating site compatibility algorithms showed that characteristics measurable in advance (personality, values, stated interests) predict only a small part of how well a couple will do together over time. What matters most, according to decades of research on couple relationships, is not how compatible two people seemed at the start, but how they handle conflicts and difficulties together that inevitably arise — exactly the work at the heart of couples therapy.
So Does the Soulmate Exist or Not?
This isn't a question science can answer with a yes or a no, because "soulmate" isn't a measurable concept. What psychology can say with more certainty is that the way we think about love concretely changes the behavior we have in relationships: those who think in terms of destiny invest less in overcoming difficulties, while those who think in terms of building invest more. In this sense, shifting the focus from "finding the right person" to "building something good with the person I've chosen" is not giving up on romance, but a more accurate description of how relationships that last actually work.
When the Search for the Soulmate Becomes a Problem
The idea can become an obstacle in two opposite directions: on one hand, those who end every relationship at the first sign of imperfection, staying in an endless search without ever really investing; on the other, those who stay in an unsatisfying or harmful relationship, convincing themselves that "it had to go this way" or that this person is "the only possible one," rationalizing real warning signs — a justification mechanism very close to the one described by cognitive dissonance.
When It's Time to See a Psychotherapist
It's worth seeking professional support when a pattern of short relationships interrupted at the first difficulty repeats in a way that causes suffering, or when you notice you're staying in an unsatisfying relationship, justifying it with the idea of destiny instead of looking at the concrete facts of the relationship.
How It's Addressed in Psychotherapy
In my work I use an integrated approach with a Gestalt orientation, which helps distinguish idealization from real contact with the other person, along with cognitive-behavioral tools useful for recognizing implicit beliefs about relationships (destiny or construction) that shape, often without our realizing it, our romantic choices.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does the soulmate scientifically exist?
It's not a scientifically verifiable concept. Psychology can say, however, that strongly believing in the existence of a "perfect person" changes how we behave in relationships, often making them more fragile.
Why do the first relationships always seem the most perfect?
Often because of the halo effect and the idealization typical of the early stages, when you still know little about the other person and tend to generalize positively from limited information.
Is it bad to believe in destiny in love?
Not absolutely, but research shows that those who believe too strongly in destiny tend to abandon more easily relationships that could work well with mutual effort.
How do you distinguish real love from idealization?
Idealization tends to fade as you get to know the other person better; love built over time, by contrast, tends to strengthen through real knowledge of each other, flaws included.
I Also Work on This, in Florence
I am Dr. Martina Fino, a psychologist and psychotherapist in Florence registered with the Board of Psychologists of Tuscany. I often work, in individual or couple sessions, with people struggling with relationship idealization or with the difficulty of staying in a relationship once it stops seeming "perfect." I see clients at my practice in Florence, in the Campo di Marte-Coverciano area, and I also offer online sessions for those living outside the city or in other parts of Tuscany.
To schedule an initial consultation, even just by phone and with no obligation: 392 693 1473 (WhatsApp available) — fino.martina@gmail.com
In summary
- The idea of the soulmate comes from an ancient philosophical myth (Plato's Symposium) and remains at the center of the Western romantic imagination.
- Psychology distinguishes between belief in destiny (the couple is either meant to be or not) and belief in growth (relationships are built through commitment).
- Those who believe strongly in destiny more easily abandon relationships at the first difficulties.
- Initial compatibility predicts less than expected: what matters more is how a couple handles conflicts together over time.
This article is for informational purposes only and does not replace a personalized psychological evaluation or consultation.
Sources
- Knee, C. R. (1998), “Implicit Theories of Relationships: Assessment and Prediction of Romantic Relationship Initiation, Coping, and Longevity”, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
- Finkel, E. J. et al. (2012), “Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science”, Psychological Science in the Public Interest.
- American Psychological Association (APA) — entry on “Implicit Theories of Relationships”.
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