{"id":33227,"date":"2026-09-02T09:24:07","date_gmt":"2026-09-02T07:24:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/martinafino.it\/elaborazione-del-lutto-cosa-significa-davvero-e-quanto-dura\/"},"modified":"2026-09-02T09:24:07","modified_gmt":"2026-09-02T07:24:07","slug":"elaborazione-del-lutto-cosa-significa-davvero-e-quanto-dura","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/martinafino.it\/en\/elaborazione-del-lutto-cosa-significa-davvero-e-quanto-dura\/","title":{"rendered":"Grief processing: what it really means and how long it lasts"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The first thing I almost always say to those who come to my practice after a loss is that grief processing is not about stopping the suffering<\/strong>, nor is it about \u201cturning the page.\u201d<\/p>\n\n

It serves a different purpose: to make sure that loss, which will remain, finds a place within one's life instead of taking it all over.<\/p>\n\n

The five stages are a myth: what research really says<\/h2>\n

Anyone seeking information about grief comes across the five-stage model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It is the most widely cited model in the world, and also the most misunderstood.<\/p>\n

Elisabeth K\u00fcbler-Ross formulated it in 1969 while observing terminally ill people<\/strong>, that is, those facing their own death \u2014 not those left behind. The extension to grief happened later, and has never been confirmed by research: studies find no orderly progression through defined stages, nor an identical sequence for everyone.<\/p>\n

Why does this matter, practically? Because many people arrive convinced they are doing something wrong: \u201cI'm still angry, I should already be at acceptance\u201d<\/em>. That sense of being behind schedule is an additional burden, and it is based on a model that does not describe reality.<\/p>\n\n

How it really works<\/h2>\n

The most solid models of recent decades describe something less linear and much more recognizable.<\/p>\n

An oscillating movement.<\/strong> The dual process model describes a continuous alternation between two poles: moments of immersing oneself in grief and memory, and moments of dealing with practical life and looking forward. These are not sequential phases: one moves from one to the other even within the same day. And that oscillation \u00e8<\/em> is the process, not a sign of inconsistency.<\/p>\n

This is why one feels guilty after laughing at a joke, or after a day spent without thinking about it. It is not betrayal: it is exactly how it should go.<\/p>\n

Tasks, not stages.<\/strong> Another model speaks of tasks to work through: acknowledging the reality of the loss, going through the pain instead of avoiding it, adapting to a world in which that person is no longer present, and finding a way to carry them along while continuing to live. They have no mandatory order and can be revisited multiple times.<\/p>\n

The bond should not be severed.<\/strong> This is perhaps the most important shift from the old idea of \u201cletting go.\u201d Research on continuing bonds has shown that maintaining an inner relationship with someone who is gone \u2014 talking to them, sensing their presence, keeping rituals and objects \u2014 is not a symptom. It is often part of the solution. What changes is not the existence of the bond, but its form.<\/p>\n\n

What is normal to feel<\/h2>\n

Grief is not expressed only through sadness, and this disorients many people.<\/p>\n